It's facebook official

So, I guess it should be blog official.  Ryan and I are no longer together :(

It happened a few weeks ago.  Our relationship had met a crossroad.  He told me he was going to be stationed somewhere in the next 6 months and wanted me to go with him.  I'm not moving unless I have a ring. We either get married or we don't.

As you know, about a year and a half, or so, we broke up because things just didn't feel right to me.  We decided that we should try to work it out because we had such a great relationship.

A few months ago, I felt lead to join the singles group at my church.  They had started a bible study called "Forgotten God."  It's about letting the Holy Spirit guide you and involving him in your life decisions.  Plus, I had lunch with one of my nurse friends who told me about her 7 year relationship.  She knew it was wrong for a long time, but she just kept on and on.  It really hit me hard that marriage with Ryan might not be "right."

I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I was angry.  How can he NOT be right??  It doesn't make sense.  We get along so well, we communicate, we compromise, we understand each other, we respect one another, we love each other, we have the same passions, the same interests, the same zest for life. I feel like I am in the right place in my career (my dream job).  I feel like I'm at the right church with the right people, but I'm in the wrong relationship?? How can that be?

But as the study went on, a verse popped up several times. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 NIV

I remember saying, "Ok Ok Ok!!  I will trust you in this, but I'm still angry."  LOL  Meanwhile, Ryan was noticing that I was distant, not really "there" emotionally.  He was still in Iraq.  I was waiting for him to come back so we could discuss this, but at the same time, I wanted to be open and honest.

This was a real struggle.  I can handle knowing this wasn't the right situation, but to knowingly hurt someone you care about is something completely different.  Ryan basically just asked me to please tell him what was going on.  I decided to just tell him.  Why wait two days for him to come back?  It felt like a lie to just wait two days, meanwhile pretending that nothing is wrong.  We discussed it, but it didn't go so well.

If I were him, I would think there was something else to it.  When breaking up, you feel unloved, you feel like something is wrong, you feel like the world has turned around.  I told him it has nothing to do with whether I love him or not.  He didn't do anything wrong, We had a great relationship.  The ONLY thing is  whether he is the right person for me, and he's not.

I know in my heart it's the right decision. The fact that he's hurting causes me physical pain. I wish I could do the hurting for him, but maybe this is something he's supposed to go through.  It was the worst timing ever, I admit.  But at the same time, I couldn't just lie and "pretend" nothing was wrong.

So, please keep Ryan in your prayers and ask that he finds some comfort in his own faith & support system.